Eyes To See, Ears To Hear

"I know that you can do all things, and
that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.'
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes sees you;
therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

Job 42: 2-5

A Christian's Confession

"For I desire steadfast love(mercy) and not sacrifice, 

the knowledge of God rather than burt offerings."

Hosea 6:6

As I have been doing this Christian walk very recently, there is a difference I have realized between having the "free-will" to do something verses receiving "His will". And yes, there is a difference between being at His mercy and being nonchalantly optimistic about one's salvation. With shame and a heavy heart I address my spiritual state as being the most wretched it has ever been. I've noticed a great deal of my shame since my 26th birth-date this year and it has been the most depressing and agonizing moment of my entire life as a human being, yet hopeful in the most peculiar way. I'm going to put it out there; I have been self-righteous, I thought all I do will be the ultimate way in glorifying God the Father. I'm not sure how it is, since I honestly don't have anything to boast about but there it was, sitting deep within me. How many layers it has been hiding under I will never know but it has been there this entire time. With that said, I understand I cannot do anything other than be at God's mercy of bestowing me salvation. I cannot earn it, nor can I say I have had it all this time with any confidence. What I do know is that this work He has started in me, I cling unto with all my heart and soul, that it is a good work that He will bring to fruition. My prayer is that I will be filled with joy and reverence when that time comes. But until then, I will knock on His door, I will seek with all I have been given, and cry out to Him with the voice He graciously continues to bestow upon me. May this soul of mine be able to throw all away and trust in the Lord purely and wholeheartedly when the time comes. May this self-righteous soul be shriveled up in His infinitely glorious light and may it create a new spirit within me.

We Are Hosea's Wife

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge; 

because you have rejected knowledge, 

I reject you from being a priest to me. 

And since you have forgotten the law of your God, 

I also will forget your children."

Hosea 4:6

 As of late, reading Hosea has really broken my already burdened heart. How long and intentionally I have been turning away from God who is most high? How terrifying the thought to be rejected by the most beautiful being in existence.. How are people calling themselves Christians and still living just as those who claim what we believe in is false? Then it gets me to think back to even a few years ago where I thought I was alive but was in fact still living as sinful as ever. Just an ounce of this pain is such agony for me, and I wonder if this is only a glimpse of what He feels towards those who consider themselves a so-called "Christian".. Or how He felt towards me?

The verse mentioned above clearly states rejecting knowledge is rejecting the Lord Himself.. Even just 50 years ago, the current "evangelical gospel" was nowhere found in the Bible. Is not the road a narrow one? I don't think anyone can grasp the enormity of a God who hangs the world on nothing and still chooses to love such flawed creations such as ourselves. May I continue to seek, may I continue to knock upon the truth that is given to me.. and may the Living One be gracious, to this broken vessel, to answer it.

Soul Yearning

 Recently the thought of death came in my head, not just the notion of bodily dying but in an eternal sense. It did not come from my own understanding, nor has it grown from my own wisdom. How did this kind of thought appear in my mind? I didn't ask for it, I didn't really think much into it until that "fear" of God was thrust upon me. When I did pray for a fear, and reverence in Him I didn't have this sort of answer in mind. You see, I had fear of being separated from Him for I thought that hell was a complete separation with God and I have no desire to be separate from Him. Yet if in fact all things were made by Him and through Him and He is in control of it all, does that not logically state that God is also in control of not only Heaven and Earth but Hell as well?

Holy God is not evil but He is a just and righteous God. That righteousness in His judgement is just one of His attributes and therefore He justly judges those that have committed evil even in the smallest of ways (ie; stealing, lying, cheating, blaspheming, even big evils like murder, adultery, the list goes on...) Think about it, a holy God cannot be, even the slightest sense, evil in any way.

With that as the base of my whole thought process as of late, my whole being acknowledges the audacity of how can I even desire to assume that He has me continuously in His heart? How ridiculously conceited must I be to think that way. Even in regards to being a sinner, I've said a numerous lies, stolen some things, and cheated at times on the easiest of tests, and that's just the start of my list of flaws. Growing up and even in my adulthood I've been such a flawed human being.. My fear of His mercy running out on this sinful soul is greater than I had ever experienced in my life. My fear of abandonment is also embedded not only mentally but spiritually as well. I have sinned against such a mighty, powerful and infinitely holy God. How can He grant me such mercy and love when I have not in the slightest sense to deserve it? When salvation itself is a gift how can I ask for such a gift to be assured when in fact it's terrifying to think that I may have already tried His patience and mercy... Yet my soul yearns for assurance in Him. This flesh of mine will pass, yet according to Scriptures He will never pass away. I desire to be with the One that is faithful and righteous even when I may not be. My groaning is too much for words to explain. How and, if so, when will I be rescued from this? I know in my heart that He is the only way and the only truth and the only hope of life, so even in this moment of curiosity and confusion I will continue to seek Him...