Goals for 2016

I won't speak of things I need to work on as "resolutions" anymore. It never allowed me to resolve anything and in fact gave me slight bit of nervousness during the entire year. From now on I'm going to refer to them as goals; things I would like to achieve this year and if not that's okay. The term "goal" reminds me of it being some sort of sport and I'm not good at sports anyway so even if the chances of me succeeding in this list is a 5 out of 10 I would say that it is going to be a good year.

1. Main Thing To Be Main
My main goal this year that would encompass all other goals would be to draw closer to God so that He in turn will be true to His word and draw near to me. I fear I had been slacking a lot in that area and I desire to have a more sensitive heart to what He desires, rather than selfishly pulling away to do what my sinful flesh may desire.

2. Sharpen Skills
As I have grown older the days seem to be getting shorter. I no longer have the same amount of 24 hours as I had 5 years ago. With that in mind, and looking back this past year, I've noticed a significant amount of procrastination done on my part in relation to growing in the gifts that God has given me. Sure, I may not be great at math, nor mix any chemicals to create a piece of gum, but I do like to draw and I've been told I'm okay at it, so I'm going to start nurturing that side of me once again. I miss painting and perfecting each stroke and color with as much precision as I can and I hope to do that once more with a mindset of glorifying God in all of it.

3. Wiser Financial Choices
With my previous statement regarding me being horrible at math, I am also pretty bad at managing my finances. I'm going to try and get a better grasp at saving and spending wisely. As a child I used to love saving and had multiple piggy banks around the house but at some point it just didn't seem like a big deal to me. Money was just paper and to be greedy of paper didn't seem reasonable in my mind. Of course as an adult in society, I do see the necessity of it (to a degree) but I still have that detached mindset of money being ridiculously worthless, which I still have to see if it is a healthy way of thinking of finances in general.

4. Hoard Less; Give More
Majority of my life has been related to moving around or simply staying in a cramped area. Because of my sinful tenancies I started to hoard. Not hoard useless things but things that are indeed necessary but are not needed at a constant rate. For example I would hoard a lot of art supplies; papers, paints, easels etc. I could probably open up shop with all these items. Majority of the books I had I didn't read them anymore simply because they are already stored away in my brain or because as an adult it no longer speaks to me a specific way so I have brought it down to a low "one shelf amount". I don't have that much clothes either but it's overwhelming at times to think about the amount I do have. My goal in relation to that this year is to get rid of as much junk in my life as possible. Whether it be giving it away or selling it to someone, anyone that is willing to take it off my hands. Life is short, I cannot take anything with me when I die, plus Jesus said to give away one tunic to those who have two. So I pray that with an obedient heart I may follow through on getting rid of at least 50% of what I have on hand at this moment by the end of the coming year.

5. Time Management
Alongside not being able to measure the weight of money, I also have a difficult time managing my time in a more productive manner. I am more exhausted yet sleep later and in turn have a deprevation of sleep. I should get off my phone more and really dive into doing more of the first two goals I mentioned. Phones are just too comfortable and quick. Enough to captivate my patience lacking mind. It needs to change and fast. May the Lord grant such wisdom in my short life.

Pretty basic things I need to work on just like anybody else yet due to the people I've surrounded myself in the recent months I am horrified and humbled to see just how much focus, stability and patience I lack in my life compared to those around me. May the Lord grant me sanctification and draw me closer to Himself...

My Saddness Stays

My joy is gone. 

Where has the one that provides it gone to? 

He is out of my sight, beyond my spectrum

His demeanor has grown cold towards me.

How can I stay afloat in this tar I've dived into?

How can I be cleansed from this dirt I have swam in?

My heart in pain has no hope to cling to.

I am beyond my own understanding.

He is rich in love and mercy.

He is pure beyond head to toe.

He molds and mends the broken hearts.

He guides the lost that are wicked.

My Redeemer will come.

My Savior will rescue me.

When will He come?

I must trust in His timing.

The Sun is Dull in Comparison

When my eyes were opened for the first time, I noticed how dull the sun seemed in comparison to God's glory. Everything seemed as if there was a thick layer of fog that was over everyone's perception of life. The fragility of it all didn't seem to be of importance to anyone on the streets. They were all on their phones and still laughing at jokes their friends were telling them, relaxing on a bench not considering how short their lives are, oh how immediately we can all be there at one moment and gone the next. It baffled me and it still continues to baffle me.

How we all tend to go towards the hovering fog of self-deception. The deception of the thought that everything we do in this world in running after our riches and our name to be known... Indeed is all for naught. We barely remember famous ones such as Albert Einstein or Susan B Anthony, so how much less would we consider to be remembered. And if indeed remembered what good would that do? Once dead then you are dead, your life has ceased and the meaning of your words and breath that you were given would be taken away at any given moment with a bomb or a dictator burning away any trace of your existence for future generations. You are no longer an outsider looking in, you are not even a part of the picture. And as meaningless as your life was it will end, your meaningful eternity will start then and there. The minute your heart ceases to pound away on life's faulty, fading riches is the moment you will be on the doorsteps of eternity.

How does this reality not frighten anyone? How does anyone get any sleep at night knowing that you may be lost for the rest of eternity? Eternally paying for the wretched decisions you have made for the sake of your own entertainment, lust and greed.

Are you saved oh reader? If you die tonight will you go to Heaven?

Jesus said to him, 

"I am the way, the truth and the life. 

No one comes to the Father(God) except through me."

John 14:6

Thanksgiving In All Circumstances

"Then Job arose and tore his rove and shaved his head
and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job 1:20-21

I indeed desire that type of faith Job had from the beginning of this book. Yet when I heard recently that there is a process of sanctification we must go through in Christ I found it quite interesting whilst reading this book. Job indeed was a man who was blameless as it starts out in the first chapter but when we go all the way towards the end of the story Job is recognized as "self-righteous" and "ignorant" to the things of God. He had this part of his life that needed sanctification by God's desire. In that moment, my desire to be as Job had changed. Not so much in regards to how Job's immediate reaction was, but Job's attitude of humility near the end once he was shown that he was indeed mere creation. Oh.. How I desire to be so loved as Job was. I desire so much to be the apple of God's eye so that He is so willing to love me even through all the devastation that derived from the revealing of Job's inadequacy... Truly so truly blessed be the name of the Lord who controls all and desires all to repentance who gave His one and only beautiful son Jesus for such wretched sinners as I..

Working Towards the Overflow

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, 

nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; 

but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. "

Psalm 1:1-2

The most frustrating thing at this point in my life is the fact that I cannot seem to shake off the worries of the world. Honestly it is slightly terrifying. Knowing that all will turn to dust at one point, and how no person, place or thing in life is a guarantee of any security, I'm at a loss for words when I think about just how foolish I am reacting as of late. How can my mind not seem to grasp the reality of this momentary life as I once had before. My oil of joy is going through a drought and my hope's well is barely keeping the bucket afloat. Grateful that I am sustained by the only one who can sustain a life I am clinging on, barely grasping for air. In fear of drowning in my spiritually depressive state forever to be lost..

Recently I heard that depression is a form of celebrating life- because this life is absolutely depressing if indeed the world's lies are true. How short a span a human life can be yet how infinite the possibilities of our minds can go. It is mind-blowing to think that this is all we can be, the mere thought of how this life is only but a glimpse compared to eternity. The mere fact we can comprehend such a word as eternity without having to draw it out should be a bit of a hint at how there is more to humanity than meets the eye.

This race called life indeed is difficult and I have been stalling far too long in the water-break section of it. Time to gear up my mind with the truth and focus on the work that's ahead of me..

Crush Or Be Crushed

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

At times I wish I were a robot that can turn on and off it's emotions. The mere fact that I cannot control my own emotions, when I know it is unpleasant, is heartbreaking in and of itself. I do not desire it, yet my emotions are unstable in a lot of ways. My desire to trust in humans is still a battle at times, although God has graciously allowed me to see that it is folly to trust in men who do not know how their own day will pan out, so it has been a more easy battle. Yet the desire to be loved is still there. Why would it still be there? I know in my heart and in my soul that nothing else will satisfy, that nothing else will be of use if not in the love of Christ. This is such a frustrating moment in my life. I'm not lonely for I know I am never truly alone. Why has this desire been coming to life in me? Is my heart deceiving me yet again in this moment in time? Am I still listening and believing in the lies of the enemy who desires to take me away from the protection of Christ's loving arms? I pray it not be so. I pray it not be so...

In All Circumstances

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; 

I will recount all of your wonderful deeds"

Psalms 9:1

Praise should always follow answered prayer; as the mist of earth’s gratitude rises when the sun of heaven’s love warms the ground. Hath the Lord been gracious to thee, and inclined his ear to the voice of thy supplication? Then praise him as long as thou livest. Let the ripe fruit drop upon the fertile soil from which it drew its life. Deny not a song to him who hath answered thy prayer and given thee the desire of thy heart. To be silent over God’s mercies is to incur the guilt of ingratitude; it is to act as basely as the nine lepers, who after they had been cured of their leprosy, returned not to give thanks unto the healing Lord. To forget to praise God is to refuse to benefit ourselves; for praise, like prayer, is one great means of promoting the growth of the spiritual life. It helps to remove our burdens, to excite our hope, to increase our faith. It is a healthful and invigorating exercise which quickens the pulse of the believer, and nerves him for fresh enterprises in his Master’s service. To bless God for mercies received is also the way to benefit our fellow-men; “the humble shall hear thereof and be glad.” Others who have been in like circumstances shall take comfort if we can say, “Oh! magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together; this poor man cried, and the Lord heard him.” Weak hearts will be strengthened, and drooping saints will be revived as they listen to our “songs of deliverance.” Their doubts and fears will be rebuked, as we teach and admonish one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. They too shall “sing in the ways of the Lord,” when they hear us magnify his holy name. Praise is the most heavenly of Christian duties. The angels pray not, but they cease not to praise both day and night; and the redeemed, clothed in white robes, with palm-branches in their hands, are never weary of singing the new song, “Worthy is the Lamb.”

Pastor Spurgeon, as a dead man you still speak. I hear you loud and clear..

Broken Until Powder

"And we all, with unveiled face,
beholding the glory of the Lord,
are being transformed into the same image 

from one degree of glory to another.
For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."

2 Corinthians 3:18

If I were to be a type of mineral that is malleable I would choose to be glass. I'm sure most people would desire to be gold or diamonds but I would choose to be glass. Glass is easily shattered. Once shattered there are endless possibilities of how the glass can be remolded. Gold and other such minerals tend to be stubborn under the pressure of a maker. You need to use chemicals to strip them away from others. Glass is quite different from that. It is very fragile, easily broken under the pressure of someone who can melt those broken pieces into something beautiful and precious. I see it as one of the most humble minerals that humans use.

Lately I've noticed a lot of stubbornness and blindness in my own life. Which is absolutely frustrating yet allowing me to be more focused on the main thing. Honestly I am exhausted to the core on a lot of things that are going on in my life. Though I do not desire to be it is a problem. When will I come out of this? When will I be rescued from this? Who knows.. I just know that there is a valley of shadows that I must go through. I pray that my pride and self-righteousness is broken, powdered to dust so that my Creator may mold me into a new creation for His glory. That is my desire..

Waves Upon A Rock

The waves clash upon the rock of my heart.
Crashing away on the burdened stone that lay.
Suffocating from the days of foolishness.
Wherever I go there those waves are still beating away.

Chipping away part by part.
Patiently awaiting for the sunlit day.
This weak and burdened heart of flesh
With forgiveness ahead may it never again go astray.

Perfected in Weakness

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

When I read the Bible I am honestly so grateful. Grateful I am able to read, and that the word of God is given to us so freely within this 66 book love letter. When I see the love that Paul has for the church in the new testament, I can't help but be glad and seek that kind of love for the church as well- in regards to leaders to look up to and for my own spiritual growth as well. His Christ-like mind is shown even in his letters to the Corinthians when he tells them that he prayed to the Lord about a specific type of weakness and for it to be taken away from him. Yet when Jesus said that His grace is sufficient and that His power is made perfect in Paul's weakness, it shows that Paul still in the flesh had to persevere and his reaction to the response of the plead is all the more beautiful since he, receiving the response (not the one he desired) yet is beautifully glorifying our God. It's not about living your "best life now" it's about living through the pain and struggles in Christ and ultimately glorifying God through it all. If a person, as a self-proclaimed follower of Christ, one does not see the eternal ramifications of disobedience and lack of reverence and fear in the Lord who created all I daresay one is not to call one's self a Christian at all for that matter.. I pray that my fruits of suffering be as Paul's. Where I may glorify Him in the pangs of fleshly weaknesses.

Depraved Soul

My soul writhes within my wretched flesh.
The haze of comfort and self-deception had made me drunk.
Unable to see the dirt upon my heels.
As a whore I have run away from the bridegroom.
To the dust and filth I ran towards and in so doing claimed that is it gold.

Awakened to a humbled state I look to see
The light that I once thought I knew is no where.
Seeking searching hoping that this blinded fool may be wrapped up,
In the loving arms of the beautiful bridegroom.
Blessed is His name that is pure as the clear, light that shines.

From The Visible To Invisible

Going near large bodies of water this past weekend have been sobering in a necessary way that I had not been able to come to on my own this entire week. Is there anything more terrifying yet beautiful as the ocean? Yet even as I stand right in front of it, even as I place my fragile life on the line as to dangle my legs above the dark star-lit ocean my mind could not grasp the mysteries that is of this world I am living on. For example, the waves. Yes, there are waves due to wind and the creatures of the sea moving about. And of course, there are tectonic plates shifting all around the Earth as I write these things. But it does not necessarily explain the fact that it is in sync with not only life under the sea levels but also above it. 

How is every living organism linked unto each other on this solid yet liquid piece of rock that floats in space? With something so articulately moving about in regards to the world and its workings, humans bring the question of "why"? There is purpose in everything. Even an old hammer was created by men to serve a purpose, and with just a few pieces that item was intelligently designed! Water filtration systems are arduously processable and intricately thought out products of human intelligence.. Yet with innumerable nerves in even just the human eye, how much more of an intelligent designer should there be?

"For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, 

visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or 

rulers or authorities-all things were created through him and for him. 

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

Colossians 1:16-17

His Works and His Promises

Praise the Lord!

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,

in the company of the upright, in the congregation.

Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who delight in them.

Full of splendor and majesty is his work, and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered;

the Lord is gracious and merciful.

He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever.

He has shown his people the power of his works, in giving them the inheritance of the nations.

The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy;

they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.

He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever.

Holy and awesome is his name!

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;

all those who practice it have a good understanding.

His praise endures forever!

Psalm 111

Exhaustion

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

James 4:10

Lately, the concept of salvation and Christianity as a whole has gotten a battle going on in my mind. It's as if something is at war with another and honestly it's exhausting. My mind is running continually, especially in regards to my past sins. All of them slowly coming up one by one as if there's a whole line of them taking turns to beat my soul to a pulp. And as of late, I really just needed a break, a time-out if you must call it. Which was of course a huge mistake since now it's more like I'm being defeated and I don't even know it. I don't know what to do anymore. Doing something or nothing has been exhausting either way. I desire to be won by Christ, through Christ, in all of this. May this on-going struggling come to a God glorifying victory in Him where I may lay on His bosom at peace. May my wretched soul be crushed so that from the dust of my past, Christ may reign in my future forevermore...

Eyes To See, Ears To Hear

"I know that you can do all things, and
that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.'
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes sees you;
therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

Job 42: 2-5

A Christian's Confession

"For I desire steadfast love(mercy) and not sacrifice, 

the knowledge of God rather than burt offerings."

Hosea 6:6

As I have been doing this Christian walk very recently, there is a difference I have realized between having the "free-will" to do something verses receiving "His will". And yes, there is a difference between being at His mercy and being nonchalantly optimistic about one's salvation. With shame and a heavy heart I address my spiritual state as being the most wretched it has ever been. I've noticed a great deal of my shame since my 26th birth-date this year and it has been the most depressing and agonizing moment of my entire life as a human being, yet hopeful in the most peculiar way. I'm going to put it out there; I have been self-righteous, I thought all I do will be the ultimate way in glorifying God the Father. I'm not sure how it is, since I honestly don't have anything to boast about but there it was, sitting deep within me. How many layers it has been hiding under I will never know but it has been there this entire time. With that said, I understand I cannot do anything other than be at God's mercy of bestowing me salvation. I cannot earn it, nor can I say I have had it all this time with any confidence. What I do know is that this work He has started in me, I cling unto with all my heart and soul, that it is a good work that He will bring to fruition. My prayer is that I will be filled with joy and reverence when that time comes. But until then, I will knock on His door, I will seek with all I have been given, and cry out to Him with the voice He graciously continues to bestow upon me. May this soul of mine be able to throw all away and trust in the Lord purely and wholeheartedly when the time comes. May this self-righteous soul be shriveled up in His infinitely glorious light and may it create a new spirit within me.

We Are Hosea's Wife

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge; 

because you have rejected knowledge, 

I reject you from being a priest to me. 

And since you have forgotten the law of your God, 

I also will forget your children."

Hosea 4:6

 As of late, reading Hosea has really broken my already burdened heart. How long and intentionally I have been turning away from God who is most high? How terrifying the thought to be rejected by the most beautiful being in existence.. How are people calling themselves Christians and still living just as those who claim what we believe in is false? Then it gets me to think back to even a few years ago where I thought I was alive but was in fact still living as sinful as ever. Just an ounce of this pain is such agony for me, and I wonder if this is only a glimpse of what He feels towards those who consider themselves a so-called "Christian".. Or how He felt towards me?

The verse mentioned above clearly states rejecting knowledge is rejecting the Lord Himself.. Even just 50 years ago, the current "evangelical gospel" was nowhere found in the Bible. Is not the road a narrow one? I don't think anyone can grasp the enormity of a God who hangs the world on nothing and still chooses to love such flawed creations such as ourselves. May I continue to seek, may I continue to knock upon the truth that is given to me.. and may the Living One be gracious, to this broken vessel, to answer it.

Soul Yearning

 Recently the thought of death came in my head, not just the notion of bodily dying but in an eternal sense. It did not come from my own understanding, nor has it grown from my own wisdom. How did this kind of thought appear in my mind? I didn't ask for it, I didn't really think much into it until that "fear" of God was thrust upon me. When I did pray for a fear, and reverence in Him I didn't have this sort of answer in mind. You see, I had fear of being separated from Him for I thought that hell was a complete separation with God and I have no desire to be separate from Him. Yet if in fact all things were made by Him and through Him and He is in control of it all, does that not logically state that God is also in control of not only Heaven and Earth but Hell as well?

Holy God is not evil but He is a just and righteous God. That righteousness in His judgement is just one of His attributes and therefore He justly judges those that have committed evil even in the smallest of ways (ie; stealing, lying, cheating, blaspheming, even big evils like murder, adultery, the list goes on...) Think about it, a holy God cannot be, even the slightest sense, evil in any way.

With that as the base of my whole thought process as of late, my whole being acknowledges the audacity of how can I even desire to assume that He has me continuously in His heart? How ridiculously conceited must I be to think that way. Even in regards to being a sinner, I've said a numerous lies, stolen some things, and cheated at times on the easiest of tests, and that's just the start of my list of flaws. Growing up and even in my adulthood I've been such a flawed human being.. My fear of His mercy running out on this sinful soul is greater than I had ever experienced in my life. My fear of abandonment is also embedded not only mentally but spiritually as well. I have sinned against such a mighty, powerful and infinitely holy God. How can He grant me such mercy and love when I have not in the slightest sense to deserve it? When salvation itself is a gift how can I ask for such a gift to be assured when in fact it's terrifying to think that I may have already tried His patience and mercy... Yet my soul yearns for assurance in Him. This flesh of mine will pass, yet according to Scriptures He will never pass away. I desire to be with the One that is faithful and righteous even when I may not be. My groaning is too much for words to explain. How and, if so, when will I be rescued from this? I know in my heart that He is the only way and the only truth and the only hope of life, so even in this moment of curiosity and confusion I will continue to seek Him...

Wait For The Lord

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Psalm 27:14

 As I stayed awake on a recent heated summer morning at 2AM I began to ponder. My whole life has been flipped from 5 years ago. I never imagined that I would be where I am now... In any way, shape or form. My heart wrenches within me thinking about the upsetting moments of life where it didn't go a way I thought it would or struggling with issues I thought was dealt with previously. So much of me has become utterly broken and embarrassingly vulnerable that I feel as if I am nothing more than a body full of bones and a beaten soul... Then I whispered a prayer to the Lord, unexpectedly in tears, asking "may these sacrifices not be in vain"...

 God then reminded my soul saying "wait for the Lord" repeatedly like a broken record. But then I realize it's not a broken record playing but my broken self not hearing clearly and so He graciously repeats it for me. How much has God given me compared to what I have laid down for Him? It is incomparable. I must remind my constantly mending soul that God is good and all that He does for me is good (despite the pain, no, including the pain!) I have to trust that He will complete the good work He has started. Even gold needs to be refined in the fire before its presented to the King... He is the Almighty King and I am but mere creation.. But creation He so chooses to love. It's conceivable but so undeniably hard to believe. Yet who am I to argue with the one that chooses to love such an undeserving one such as myself? Who graciously laid down His whole-life for my wretched-life so that I may have eternal-life?

Terrifyingly Beautiful Chaos

 When I see so much horror in the world yet at the same time so much beauty- that will never be able to be placed into words, it reminds me of the marbling of stones. It's chaotic, not just one beautifully solid color but a mix of different elements that are irreversibly bound together. The terrifying aspect in this is that these compounds that were once malleable suddenly form into a design that cannot be the same as any other, and once it solidifies, that metamorphism does not go backwards. But what's so beautiful about it is that despite what it may seem like on one small corner of a permanently designed, marbled stone, is that when you see the entirety of the stone, it's beautiful.

 Looking at the big picture is difficult, especially living in New York and having to be on the daily grind; keeping your head down and hustling all you can. But I know that if we just take a deep breath and realize just how much beauty there is to just even letting oxygen into our bodies, despite the horrid stuff in the air, it's pretty much mind-blowing. As I run this race towards the precious treasure that is my God, I can't help but look back and see the immeasurable inadequacy that I call 'my goodness.' No matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect. Yet thank the Lord that He knew of that and decided to come unto this chaotic world to lay down His life for His creation. Teaching us by showing us that true love means to sacrifice one's life not only to those that may be weaker than yourself, but also to show forgiveness and kindness towards your enemies. I am continually baffled by the indescribably, terrifyingly, beautifully complex God that I serve..

 "The night is far gone; the day is at hand. 

So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. 

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, 

not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. 

But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, 

and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. 

As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions."

Romans 13:12 - Romans 14:1 

He Knows

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, 

that he might sift you like wheat, 

but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. 

And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." 

Luke 22:31-32

 Insecurities tend to overwhelm me at times when everything seems to crumble around me. Even as I do this Christian thing that seems foreign to me in a lot of ways because I never really dove into it like I have as of late. A lot that I have learned shows how flawed I am as a person, a sibling, a friend, a daughter.. like I said earlier- overwhelming. Yet, at the same time I'm so grateful that Christ does not turn away anyone who comes to Him with true hearts. God knows that we will fall, that we will have moments of frustration and just straight-up sinfulness, which is why Jesus was sent to wash away our sins, because we are only humans so no matter how hard we try to overlay our sins with 'good deeds' it'll stink up the place at some point. I'm so grateful for that, because no amount of my own cleaning will do anything to cleanse my flaws. Christ knows of the brokenness I have within me, I can only pray more fervently that He will show me the true way to sanctification. Not out of my own works but by the guidance of the Holy Spirit that was sent to lead us, and by giving me the heart to reciprocate that grace and love towards others that God has so graciously brought, continue to bring, into my life.

Thoughts on Reflections

Despite the cold I really miss walking into the waters and having a glimpse of the reflections in them. It reminds me of how much reflections are incomprehensibly detailed yet fade so quickly with every ripple that comes their way. As long as the object (in this case- me) stays constant, the reflection, no matter how many ripples and waves come at it, it will always return to the object's true form. And even so, despite how detailed they may be, it would never be the actual object in set scenario, it will always stay a reflection. I have to wonder though. If the reflection knew of its fragility would it cling unto the object even more? If it had a conscience choice to stay so consistently detailed, would it be so wise to do so?

"As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man."

Proverbs 27:19

Childish vs. Child-like

 Two cups of caffeine and two chapters into Timothy Keller's 'The Meaning of Marriage' and I've come to the realization of just how selfish I am as a human being. Honestly, I don't understand the complexity of the human condition, but what I do understand is that selfishness derives from childishness. The difference between being childish and being child-like is vast. Being 'childish' comes with only the thoughts for the self, you know the thoughts; "how will this situation benefit for me?" Whereas being 'child-like' comes with the thoughts such as; this situation may benefit me but will anyone get hurt in the process? If you've seen children interact with wonder and excitement and genuine concern for others, you're going to notice that being child-like shows that they're not phased by the world around them (not yet anyway.) My heart yearns for those moments from my past, where I was childish, and change the reactions I had to being more child-like. Apologizing from the heart, loving people more, and being more forgiving.. and yet at the same time I'm so grateful to have this realization now than later because I get to look back on all the flawed parts of me and see how much of a contrast difference God has allowed in my life to better treat those around me. Despite how crippling the pain is and how agonizing these memories are, I can only say that I am grateful.. praying, hoping that one day in the future I'll be able to be a better friend to those whom I will meet in the future and those I have yet to make amends with.

When I was a child, 

I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. 

When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways.

1 Corinthians 13:11

From Dust To Dust

Flowers as beautiful as they are will fade & at some point in our lives

 we must acknowledge our finite state in the timeline of infinity.

 We are made from dust only to return to dust. 

My heart has blossomed into one that has a greater appreciation for the unexplainably intricate design of plant life on this tiny rock hanging on nothing. The design of something so beautiful as well as vital to the human race can honestly only be of great importance. And yet they fade so easily, or have such a grip on life that it's difficult to stop their growth. Either way one thing is certain and that is that there is an end to their life as plants. They bloom and wither and dance in the wind but only for so long. I'm sure they don't even give two thoughts about it. Yet I can't help but see a similar pattern with people on this floating rock in space. What is it that people seem to be living for if at the end of it, it turns into oblivion?

Concrete Promise

Instead of letting me sink into a paralysis of fear, 

or run to a mirage of greener grass, 

he has awakened a cry for help 

and then answered with a concrete promise.

-John Piper