Terrifyingly Beautiful Chaos

 When I see so much horror in the world yet at the same time so much beauty- that will never be able to be placed into words, it reminds me of the marbling of stones. It's chaotic, not just one beautifully solid color but a mix of different elements that are irreversibly bound together. The terrifying aspect in this is that these compounds that were once malleable suddenly form into a design that cannot be the same as any other, and once it solidifies, that metamorphism does not go backwards. But what's so beautiful about it is that despite what it may seem like on one small corner of a permanently designed, marbled stone, is that when you see the entirety of the stone, it's beautiful.

 Looking at the big picture is difficult, especially living in New York and having to be on the daily grind; keeping your head down and hustling all you can. But I know that if we just take a deep breath and realize just how much beauty there is to just even letting oxygen into our bodies, despite the horrid stuff in the air, it's pretty much mind-blowing. As I run this race towards the precious treasure that is my God, I can't help but look back and see the immeasurable inadequacy that I call 'my goodness.' No matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect. Yet thank the Lord that He knew of that and decided to come unto this chaotic world to lay down His life for His creation. Teaching us by showing us that true love means to sacrifice one's life not only to those that may be weaker than yourself, but also to show forgiveness and kindness towards your enemies. I am continually baffled by the indescribably, terrifyingly, beautifully complex God that I serve..

 "The night is far gone; the day is at hand. 

So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. 

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, 

not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. 

But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, 

and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. 

As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions."

Romans 13:12 - Romans 14:1 

He Knows

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, 

that he might sift you like wheat, 

but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. 

And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." 

Luke 22:31-32

 Insecurities tend to overwhelm me at times when everything seems to crumble around me. Even as I do this Christian thing that seems foreign to me in a lot of ways because I never really dove into it like I have as of late. A lot that I have learned shows how flawed I am as a person, a sibling, a friend, a daughter.. like I said earlier- overwhelming. Yet, at the same time I'm so grateful that Christ does not turn away anyone who comes to Him with true hearts. God knows that we will fall, that we will have moments of frustration and just straight-up sinfulness, which is why Jesus was sent to wash away our sins, because we are only humans so no matter how hard we try to overlay our sins with 'good deeds' it'll stink up the place at some point. I'm so grateful for that, because no amount of my own cleaning will do anything to cleanse my flaws. Christ knows of the brokenness I have within me, I can only pray more fervently that He will show me the true way to sanctification. Not out of my own works but by the guidance of the Holy Spirit that was sent to lead us, and by giving me the heart to reciprocate that grace and love towards others that God has so graciously brought, continue to bring, into my life.