Prayer

"Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding;
faith is a deliberate commitment to the person of Jesus Christ,
even when I can't see the way ahead."

Oswald Chambers

How precious it is to know that God our creator hears our thoughts, our cries and our heartbeats? Recently praying in certain instances and receiving immediate responses have been overwhelming for me. My thoughts go to "I don't deserve such grace from such a Holy One" or "God heard my cry? He heard me? Yet I am so filthy I don't deserve to be heard." I remind my soul that as a human being, God created us to be image-bearers of Him and the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy, and I am calmer.. Then again those thoughts come into mind.. "Am I indeed cherished by the Creator?" My flesh overwhelms me.. My heart is in a dish of broken pieces that is poking at the seems of this undeserved beating heart and it's only because I have been tossing it around thinking it to be worthless.. Yet, the conclusion is always that despite those truths I am heard.. He hears my cries, He hears my thoughts, my heartbeats.

At times I recognize my heart is hard to fully recognize and understand His glory, too hard to fully acknowledge and weep at the beauty that is bestowed in front of my eyes as creation whirls around in glorifying the Creator. Oh to be like Jesus, how sweet the thought. Oh, to be the apple of His eye, how glorious the immeasurable grace! May He ever be glorified in my life, this wretched sinful life that I have cultivated by my own greed and selfish desires. May I be truly pure as snow, washed by His precious blood to forever to be found in Him.. May those that come across my posts truly come to know how beautiful and holy the Lord is compared to everything and anything.

Over The Sun

On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; 

I sought him, but found him not. 

I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; 

I will seek him whom my soul loves. 

I sought him, but found him not. 

The watchmen found me as they went about in the city. 

"Have you seen him whom my soul loves?" 

Scarcely had I passed them when 

I found whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go 

until I had brought him into my mother's house, 

and into the chamber of her who conceived me. 

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, 

by the gazelles or the does of the field, 

that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. 

Song of Solomon 3:1-5 

On my way to work today I saw the same sweet, old man selling beautiful flowers in Pigeon Ally. With the weather warming up I was overcome with the desire of having some flowers, remembering the days when I was brought flowers from my sweet friends and lovers thinking "I wish I still had someone giving me flowers" which was such a sudden thought I was/am ashamed of- so selfish and so arrogant.. Why on earth do I reminisce of my sinful past? Then I had the thought of the Lord who has authority over all and knowing that fact, I felt as if the whole world's flower fields were given to me by God Himself. I didn't need to chop any off the life-giving roots and they were all just growing and being lovely to the glory of God. Yet right between those thoughts, at the same time, I was given the thought of how pointless all of it is.

There's a song that I've been listening to by Shane and Shane called "Over The Sun" where it speaks of how Solomon says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun. The song shows of how we are to look above and beyond our own understanding of this world to where God rests. Knowing just how insignificant I am I can only imagine how much more I am incapable of seeing beyond my own insignificance. I'm still trying to understand the concept and fullness of being a true faith-filled Christian. As if an ant is shown a globe and the workings of the solar system I too feel very overwhelmingly burdened with so much of what is unknown to me. It's all in front of me yet my ability is that of an ant that sees this solar system and is unable to grasp the vast understandings that come with seeing. I'm terrified and hopeful all at once. Yet I still want to know, I still want to see, fall deep within His love for me (if indeed I am to be so blessed to be loved by the Lord) I can only pray that God grows me in all His ways and guides me to His wide, loving arms.

Taming The Tongue

"We read this in Isaiah 6:1-7,

In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said:

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!”

And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!”

Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for” (Isaiah 6:1-7).

I can’t get out of my mind the way Isaiah responds to his vision of God’s holiness.

Seeing God does not produce giddiness or religious flippancy. It produces terror and self-loathing. Isaiah does not respond with pride or elitism, boasting that he alone has experienced this wonderful privilege. He is undone! He sees himself as insufferably unrighteous compared to the glorious purity and transcendence of the King. We arrogantly measure sin solely in terms of its effects both within the created order and upon us. Isaiah, on the other hand, measures it by the majesty and purity of the One against whom it is perpetrated."

(excerpt from Samstorms)

Up until this point, my life has been an open book (or in this case open blog) I have said all sorts of convictions that I had during these last few months. Of course I have the graces of erasing and re-typing any misconstrued information that I would utter on this platform, yet I am daily reminded of how my actual tongue can wreak havoc in my life. It's been an absolute nightmare. Thinking of going on an internet "cleansing" for a while so I don't think I would be posting as much as I do. I have gotten rid of my twitter and slowly but surely plan on getting rid of majority of my social media content so I can focus more on this short life for the better Overall I hope it'll be a time of drawing closer to the Lord...

See you all in a few months.

Struggling

As of late my heart was so discouraged. My tears could not stop from flowing every night and my mind was in the deepest crevasse of agony. Every tiny lie, every lustful thought, every bitter moment towards someone was that much more painful and I feared that God had abandoned me in my wretched state. How holy is our Lord? How sinful am I? How awesome is He to even grant me such eyes to see and air to breathe? My prayers have been more of a cry to God to not give up on me. I pray He does not give up on me, I pray I will not test His patience and that He will guide me towards being sanctified. I pray He may keep me until the very end of eternity.

I've noticed I struggle so much. Yet I struggle because I no longer desire to be in a state of self-deception as I once was before. I struggle because prior to God showing me, I did not know. I did not know just how self-destructive I was and what the consequences may be of that. Oh, how I wish I was taught what I know now a little earlier in my life, how foolish was I, how short life is! Yet, I'm grateful He shows me now, grateful He guides me even now with the movements across a computer keyboard. May the Lord win in this battle, may He win and may the glory be to Him always and forevermore...