Exhaustion

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

James 4:10

Lately, the concept of salvation and Christianity as a whole has gotten a battle going on in my mind. It's as if something is at war with another and honestly it's exhausting. My mind is running continually, especially in regards to my past sins. All of them slowly coming up one by one as if there's a whole line of them taking turns to beat my soul to a pulp. And as of late, I really just needed a break, a time-out if you must call it. Which was of course a huge mistake since now it's more like I'm being defeated and I don't even know it. I don't know what to do anymore. Doing something or nothing has been exhausting either way. I desire to be won by Christ, through Christ, in all of this. May this on-going struggling come to a God glorifying victory in Him where I may lay on His bosom at peace. May my wretched soul be crushed so that from the dust of my past, Christ may reign in my future forevermore...

Eyes To See, Ears To Hear

"I know that you can do all things, and
that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.'
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes sees you;
therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

Job 42: 2-5

A Christian's Confession

"For I desire steadfast love(mercy) and not sacrifice, 

the knowledge of God rather than burt offerings."

Hosea 6:6

As I have been doing this Christian walk very recently, there is a difference I have realized between having the "free-will" to do something verses receiving "His will". And yes, there is a difference between being at His mercy and being nonchalantly optimistic about one's salvation. With shame and a heavy heart I address my spiritual state as being the most wretched it has ever been. I've noticed a great deal of my shame since my 26th birth-date this year and it has been the most depressing and agonizing moment of my entire life as a human being, yet hopeful in the most peculiar way. I'm going to put it out there; I have been self-righteous, I thought all I do will be the ultimate way in glorifying God the Father. I'm not sure how it is, since I honestly don't have anything to boast about but there it was, sitting deep within me. How many layers it has been hiding under I will never know but it has been there this entire time. With that said, I understand I cannot do anything other than be at God's mercy of bestowing me salvation. I cannot earn it, nor can I say I have had it all this time with any confidence. What I do know is that this work He has started in me, I cling unto with all my heart and soul, that it is a good work that He will bring to fruition. My prayer is that I will be filled with joy and reverence when that time comes. But until then, I will knock on His door, I will seek with all I have been given, and cry out to Him with the voice He graciously continues to bestow upon me. May this soul of mine be able to throw all away and trust in the Lord purely and wholeheartedly when the time comes. May this self-righteous soul be shriveled up in His infinitely glorious light and may it create a new spirit within me.

We Are Hosea's Wife

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge; 

because you have rejected knowledge, 

I reject you from being a priest to me. 

And since you have forgotten the law of your God, 

I also will forget your children."

Hosea 4:6

 As of late, reading Hosea has really broken my already burdened heart. How long and intentionally I have been turning away from God who is most high? How terrifying the thought to be rejected by the most beautiful being in existence.. How are people calling themselves Christians and still living just as those who claim what we believe in is false? Then it gets me to think back to even a few years ago where I thought I was alive but was in fact still living as sinful as ever. Just an ounce of this pain is such agony for me, and I wonder if this is only a glimpse of what He feels towards those who consider themselves a so-called "Christian".. Or how He felt towards me?

The verse mentioned above clearly states rejecting knowledge is rejecting the Lord Himself.. Even just 50 years ago, the current "evangelical gospel" was nowhere found in the Bible. Is not the road a narrow one? I don't think anyone can grasp the enormity of a God who hangs the world on nothing and still chooses to love such flawed creations such as ourselves. May I continue to seek, may I continue to knock upon the truth that is given to me.. and may the Living One be gracious, to this broken vessel, to answer it.