Soul Yearning

 Recently the thought of death came in my head, not just the notion of bodily dying but in an eternal sense. It did not come from my own understanding, nor has it grown from my own wisdom. How did this kind of thought appear in my mind? I didn't ask for it, I didn't really think much into it until that "fear" of God was thrust upon me. When I did pray for a fear, and reverence in Him I didn't have this sort of answer in mind. You see, I had fear of being separated from Him for I thought that hell was a complete separation with God and I have no desire to be separate from Him. Yet if in fact all things were made by Him and through Him and He is in control of it all, does that not logically state that God is also in control of not only Heaven and Earth but Hell as well?

Holy God is not evil but He is a just and righteous God. That righteousness in His judgement is just one of His attributes and therefore He justly judges those that have committed evil even in the smallest of ways (ie; stealing, lying, cheating, blaspheming, even big evils like murder, adultery, the list goes on...) Think about it, a holy God cannot be, even the slightest sense, evil in any way.

With that as the base of my whole thought process as of late, my whole being acknowledges the audacity of how can I even desire to assume that He has me continuously in His heart? How ridiculously conceited must I be to think that way. Even in regards to being a sinner, I've said a numerous lies, stolen some things, and cheated at times on the easiest of tests, and that's just the start of my list of flaws. Growing up and even in my adulthood I've been such a flawed human being.. My fear of His mercy running out on this sinful soul is greater than I had ever experienced in my life. My fear of abandonment is also embedded not only mentally but spiritually as well. I have sinned against such a mighty, powerful and infinitely holy God. How can He grant me such mercy and love when I have not in the slightest sense to deserve it? When salvation itself is a gift how can I ask for such a gift to be assured when in fact it's terrifying to think that I may have already tried His patience and mercy... Yet my soul yearns for assurance in Him. This flesh of mine will pass, yet according to Scriptures He will never pass away. I desire to be with the One that is faithful and righteous even when I may not be. My groaning is too much for words to explain. How and, if so, when will I be rescued from this? I know in my heart that He is the only way and the only truth and the only hope of life, so even in this moment of curiosity and confusion I will continue to seek Him...

Wait For The Lord

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Psalm 27:14

 As I stayed awake on a recent heated summer morning at 2AM I began to ponder. My whole life has been flipped from 5 years ago. I never imagined that I would be where I am now... In any way, shape or form. My heart wrenches within me thinking about the upsetting moments of life where it didn't go a way I thought it would or struggling with issues I thought was dealt with previously. So much of me has become utterly broken and embarrassingly vulnerable that I feel as if I am nothing more than a body full of bones and a beaten soul... Then I whispered a prayer to the Lord, unexpectedly in tears, asking "may these sacrifices not be in vain"...

 God then reminded my soul saying "wait for the Lord" repeatedly like a broken record. But then I realize it's not a broken record playing but my broken self not hearing clearly and so He graciously repeats it for me. How much has God given me compared to what I have laid down for Him? It is incomparable. I must remind my constantly mending soul that God is good and all that He does for me is good (despite the pain, no, including the pain!) I have to trust that He will complete the good work He has started. Even gold needs to be refined in the fire before its presented to the King... He is the Almighty King and I am but mere creation.. But creation He so chooses to love. It's conceivable but so undeniably hard to believe. Yet who am I to argue with the one that chooses to love such an undeserving one such as myself? Who graciously laid down His whole-life for my wretched-life so that I may have eternal-life?

Terrifyingly Beautiful Chaos

 When I see so much horror in the world yet at the same time so much beauty- that will never be able to be placed into words, it reminds me of the marbling of stones. It's chaotic, not just one beautifully solid color but a mix of different elements that are irreversibly bound together. The terrifying aspect in this is that these compounds that were once malleable suddenly form into a design that cannot be the same as any other, and once it solidifies, that metamorphism does not go backwards. But what's so beautiful about it is that despite what it may seem like on one small corner of a permanently designed, marbled stone, is that when you see the entirety of the stone, it's beautiful.

 Looking at the big picture is difficult, especially living in New York and having to be on the daily grind; keeping your head down and hustling all you can. But I know that if we just take a deep breath and realize just how much beauty there is to just even letting oxygen into our bodies, despite the horrid stuff in the air, it's pretty much mind-blowing. As I run this race towards the precious treasure that is my God, I can't help but look back and see the immeasurable inadequacy that I call 'my goodness.' No matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect. Yet thank the Lord that He knew of that and decided to come unto this chaotic world to lay down His life for His creation. Teaching us by showing us that true love means to sacrifice one's life not only to those that may be weaker than yourself, but also to show forgiveness and kindness towards your enemies. I am continually baffled by the indescribably, terrifyingly, beautifully complex God that I serve..

 "The night is far gone; the day is at hand. 

So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. 

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, 

not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. 

But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, 

and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. 

As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions."

Romans 13:12 - Romans 14:1 

He Knows

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, 

that he might sift you like wheat, 

but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. 

And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." 

Luke 22:31-32

 Insecurities tend to overwhelm me at times when everything seems to crumble around me. Even as I do this Christian thing that seems foreign to me in a lot of ways because I never really dove into it like I have as of late. A lot that I have learned shows how flawed I am as a person, a sibling, a friend, a daughter.. like I said earlier- overwhelming. Yet, at the same time I'm so grateful that Christ does not turn away anyone who comes to Him with true hearts. God knows that we will fall, that we will have moments of frustration and just straight-up sinfulness, which is why Jesus was sent to wash away our sins, because we are only humans so no matter how hard we try to overlay our sins with 'good deeds' it'll stink up the place at some point. I'm so grateful for that, because no amount of my own cleaning will do anything to cleanse my flaws. Christ knows of the brokenness I have within me, I can only pray more fervently that He will show me the true way to sanctification. Not out of my own works but by the guidance of the Holy Spirit that was sent to lead us, and by giving me the heart to reciprocate that grace and love towards others that God has so graciously brought, continue to bring, into my life.