Soul Yearning

 Recently the thought of death came in my head, not just the notion of bodily dying but in an eternal sense. It did not come from my own understanding, nor has it grown from my own wisdom. How did this kind of thought appear in my mind? I didn't ask for it, I didn't really think much into it until that "fear" of God was thrust upon me. When I did pray for a fear, and reverence in Him I didn't have this sort of answer in mind. You see, I had fear of being separated from Him for I thought that hell was a complete separation with God and I have no desire to be separate from Him. Yet if in fact all things were made by Him and through Him and He is in control of it all, does that not logically state that God is also in control of not only Heaven and Earth but Hell as well?

Holy God is not evil but He is a just and righteous God. That righteousness in His judgement is just one of His attributes and therefore He justly judges those that have committed evil even in the smallest of ways (ie; stealing, lying, cheating, blaspheming, even big evils like murder, adultery, the list goes on...) Think about it, a holy God cannot be, even the slightest sense, evil in any way.

With that as the base of my whole thought process as of late, my whole being acknowledges the audacity of how can I even desire to assume that He has me continuously in His heart? How ridiculously conceited must I be to think that way. Even in regards to being a sinner, I've said a numerous lies, stolen some things, and cheated at times on the easiest of tests, and that's just the start of my list of flaws. Growing up and even in my adulthood I've been such a flawed human being.. My fear of His mercy running out on this sinful soul is greater than I had ever experienced in my life. My fear of abandonment is also embedded not only mentally but spiritually as well. I have sinned against such a mighty, powerful and infinitely holy God. How can He grant me such mercy and love when I have not in the slightest sense to deserve it? When salvation itself is a gift how can I ask for such a gift to be assured when in fact it's terrifying to think that I may have already tried His patience and mercy... Yet my soul yearns for assurance in Him. This flesh of mine will pass, yet according to Scriptures He will never pass away. I desire to be with the One that is faithful and righteous even when I may not be. My groaning is too much for words to explain. How and, if so, when will I be rescued from this? I know in my heart that He is the only way and the only truth and the only hope of life, so even in this moment of curiosity and confusion I will continue to seek Him...