A Christian's Confession

"For I desire steadfast love(mercy) and not sacrifice, 

the knowledge of God rather than burt offerings."

Hosea 6:6

As I have been doing this Christian walk very recently, there is a difference I have realized between having the "free-will" to do something verses receiving "His will". And yes, there is a difference between being at His mercy and being nonchalantly optimistic about one's salvation. With shame and a heavy heart I address my spiritual state as being the most wretched it has ever been. I've noticed a great deal of my shame since my 26th birth-date this year and it has been the most depressing and agonizing moment of my entire life as a human being, yet hopeful in the most peculiar way. I'm going to put it out there; I have been self-righteous, I thought all I do will be the ultimate way in glorifying God the Father. I'm not sure how it is, since I honestly don't have anything to boast about but there it was, sitting deep within me. How many layers it has been hiding under I will never know but it has been there this entire time. With that said, I understand I cannot do anything other than be at God's mercy of bestowing me salvation. I cannot earn it, nor can I say I have had it all this time with any confidence. What I do know is that this work He has started in me, I cling unto with all my heart and soul, that it is a good work that He will bring to fruition. My prayer is that I will be filled with joy and reverence when that time comes. But until then, I will knock on His door, I will seek with all I have been given, and cry out to Him with the voice He graciously continues to bestow upon me. May this soul of mine be able to throw all away and trust in the Lord purely and wholeheartedly when the time comes. May this self-righteous soul be shriveled up in His infinitely glorious light and may it create a new spirit within me.