Paradoxes

"Paradoxes" - Valley of Vision

This song, poem- prayer is the very essence of my convictions and worries. How incredibly aware and intentional the puritans were to have written my heart out into words? How blessed were they to have been in simpler times to focus upon the graces and words of the Lord? I long for a day where I can escape the agony my spirit is placed under and times and hope for a glimmer of light to shine upon such a wretch that I am. To be brought to the river of grace with the tears of repentance the Lord grants me. How I long for that day...

Being Reminded of How Gracious God Is

Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually.

Remember His wonders which He has done,

His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth, 

O seed of Abraham, His servant, O sons of Jacob, His chosen ones!

Psalm 105:4-6

Lately I've been going in and out of a spiritual spiral of doubt, despair and depression. Fearing all that I am scared of may be true and that my hope is to no avail. Fear seems to be my main driving force though I am not quite sure what exactly I am afraid of- moreso everything that I can think of I am worried of. I had a really difficult time fighting this during work the other day and barely held y tears back when I was reminded of a time where God was so gracious to me when I took the railway one time after the trains have been discontinued due to a signal malfunction. The announcements were notifying that the railways are free of charge due to this inconvenience so I decided to take the offer. Once I got on however, I was notified that it had been over an hour since that delay and courtesy was lifted. It seemed that I needed to pay for the ticket so without wanting to cause a scene I told the ticket master that I did not know of the lifted courtesy and because I had not bought a ticket before boarding the ticket was to now be twice as expensive, however after explaining it to the man I decided that paying the fee would be the best option. I told him I only had a card to pay with. He said alright and that he will be back. The next few twenty minutes was slightly stressful but hilarious to me because it seemed that this type of thing is pretty common to happen to me so I couldn't help but laugh about it. The ticket master did return at some point pacing back and forth from the aisle but never came back to ask for the payment of the seat. By God's grace he was merciful and let me ride without paying for the ticket double-the-fee or otherwise. My co-worker on the other hand already had bought a ticket before me as he ended work earlier than I had and found out the courtesy had been set in place and said that he wasted money purchasing a ticket to a ride he wouldn't use again. Fast forward to yesterday and as I was going in and out of my depressive mentality he gave me the ticket saying he doesn't need it because he never uses it and told me to have it. The memory of that day of exhaustion, frustration and then relief came back and I remembered how amazingly perfect God was in his timing and granting of mercy on that train ride. Even with me being quite like a child being scared and worried of the payment that had to be made He was gracious enough to sovereignly allow the ticket master to waive it. I don't deserve even the small bit of grace yet He granted it. Can I so dare to hope in the Savior whom once I believed with my-whole-agonizing-self hated me to care enough to love me even in the smallest sense..?

I have so many faults and flaws including the ones I really didn't think much of I at times wonder why He allows me to breathe at all..

After A Long Day

As I came home after a long day, I took my bag off from my back, my jacket that shielded me from the cold breeze that was blowing and I sat down on the side of my bed. I looked far off as my thoughts drifted from today's dealings, my past issues and then what was to come as I took off my socks. My feet felt naked so I softly held them in my hands and I felt some sort of comfort. My thoughts drifted to thinking how it would have felt with Jesus washing the feet of His disciples. How comforted those saints must have felt. How protected they must have felt with the amount of love they were poured with as Christ spent the remaining days with them. How warm and safe must those hands have felt as it touched each painful crevice they would have had in their feet.

My thoughts go to the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and her hair. How grateful she must have been for Christ and His sacrifice. To feel the grooves of the feet that belonged to the Son of Man, the Messiah who came to save sinners from eternal damnation. The feet of royalty and all she could bring is her hair, her tears, her hands to the feet which brought good news. How gracious was He when He didn't see the meekness of her physical sacrifice but He saw her heart. Her grateful and penitent heart.

Oh, to even take a glimpse of His majesty in a tree or even just to call out to Him from afar, to touch the ends of His garments- what blessing that would be. I wish to put His hand next to my face and feel the scars that I spat on with my sinful actions, to feel Him wipe my tears away and see in my heart a changed and penitent heart He has created within me.